Spike the Lame Vampire Slayer
by Sphene Angel
Summary: Every few centuries, there is a bad-ass vampire...he alone will stand against the wimps, the emos and the lame princesses who give vampires a bad name. He is Spike. In this story Spike makes a stand against the king of the lame vampires, Edward Cullen. ***WARNING*** NOT FOR TWILIGHT DISCIPLES


**Spike vs Edward **

It was quiet in the dark forest, not a sound could be heard. The moon was a full orb, white and ghostly, hanging suspended in the night sky. The white rabbit flitted through the trees, a different kind of ghost; for though it was not yet dead it would soon be part of a different world. Because of him.

Edward Cullen crouched behind the tree, tracking the rabbit's movements with greedy eyes, black with the colour of hunger. The rabbit stopped, pricking up its ears, its nose and tail twitching. It could sense that it was being watched by an unseen predator. It could sense a killer.

He could let this one go, just this once. Surely he could go another day without blood, it wasn't that bad. Was it? Anyway, a murderer like him didn't deserve to live. If he killed this rabbit he'd dread to think what Bella would say. Then again, Bella never judged him. She was so kind and understanding. She was the other part of him. The part that had once been a soul. She was his angel, his darling, his love…

"Oh bloody hell. Just go up and talk to it already. Go up and ask the cute little bunny if it wants to catch a movie and eat carrots with you." A distinctly British voice drawled behind him.

Edward whirled around to glare at the speaker, who was leaning against a tree.

He was of medium height, of a light, compact build, with muscles that showed clearly but were not huge and beefy like a bodybuilder's, his hair was a bright peroxide blonde colour and was gelled back, he had a Y-shaped scar on his left eyebrow, his eyes were as black as obsidian, his face was narrow and angular with high cheekbones and very pale skin.

He wore a long black leather duster over a blood red shirt which hung open over a V-neck black T-shirt. He also wore black denim trousers with heavy black boots. A cigarette dangled from his smirking lips.

Edward knew exactly who he was. This was the infamous Spike the Lame Vampire Slayer. He always knew that this moment would happen but a small part of him believed that Spike would forget him. Spike travelled the world, hunting down vampires who didn't meet his standards of what it meant to be a vampire. Now he was here in Forks. And now Bella was in danger.

"I won't let you hurt Bella." He tried to sound confident but his lower lip was trembling.

Spike raised his eyebrows and snorted. "Oh please! What use would an emo chick be to me? I've seen dead vampires reduced to a pile of dust look more alive than your girl. Listen mate, I think you'd be better off with that bunny rabbit there. Oh no wait…it's hopped off. Guess it got bored of waiting around for you to make your move."

"You leave Bella out of this!" Edward went charging at him.

Spike yawned and casually stepped aside. He stuck one leg out, sending Edward sprawling on to the muddy ground.

"Oh bollocks. You got mud on my boot." Spike looked down in disgust at Edward who was still face down in the mud.

"Bellaaaa!" Edward wailed.

"Oh shut up." He tapped his cigarette against the tree trunk, sending the ash falling on to Edward's hair. "Your girlfriend can't save you now. So you might as well stop that noise. It's giving me a bloody headache. I already had to travel to this god forsaken place."

"I won't let you hurt Bella!" Edward mumbled into the dirt, soil climbing into his mouth and clogging up his throat.

"Oh bloody hell! How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not here for Miss Bucktooth."

"Shut up! It's not _that _bad." Edward protested.

"What was that? I can't hear you with you making out with the ants." Spike nudged the toe of his boot into Edward's stomach, rolling him on to his back.

Edward screamed in agony, as if a thousand nails were climbing out from inside his skin.

Spike stared down at Edward's writhing form in utter contempt and disbelief. "Oh bugger! I didn't even hurt you." He threw his cigarette down and ground it under his boot. "_This_ is me hurting you." He aimed a full power kick into Edward's groin.

Edward screeched in true agony this time and started crying.

Spike shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. "It's not like you had much use for it anyway. Miss Doggy Breath would probably die from over exertion if you did."

"Shut up." Edward moaned feebly, clutching his groin and rolling in the mud.

Spike placed a boot on top of Edward's chest and stilled the motion. "I'm still a little confused about your situation. Do you keep Dog Boy as a household pet and your Belle comes at dinner time and gives him a little frozen yoghurt?" He crouched down so he was almost level with Edward and waggled his eyebrows suggestively. Then he glanced down at Edward thoughtfully and his eyebrows rose a little higher as another smirk crossed his lips. "Or maybe it's a threesome and _you're_ the second helping."

"SHUT UP!" Edward hit out weakly against Spike but since it seemed to have no effect he let his hand drop back to the ground.

"That's enough, Spike."

Spike turned his head disinterestedly with a bored expression on his face which soon dissolved into a grin as Jacob Black burst through the trees. "Ah Dog Boy. You joined the party! We were just about to play Dismember The Wanker!"

"That's enough, Spike." Jacob repeated firmly and then asked reluctantly as if he was curious despite himself, "Who's the wanker?"

Spike nodded his head down at Edward. "Our very own Edna."

"_Edward_!" Edward groaned.

Jacob set his jaw and glared at Spike. "Leave now or I'll tear you apart."

"What are you going to do? Take you shirt off?" Spike asked his grin widening.

Jacob narrowed his eyes. "Don't anger me."

"I'm rather surprised," Spike mused. "I thought you'd be happy to see your enemy dead."

"We worked out our differences," Edward explained from under Spike's boot. "We are family now." He turned his head and beamed at Jacob.

Spike let out a harsh and scornful laugh. "Listen mate. This guy got rejected like ten times because of you. You don't just give a guy your daughter to play with and become happy families after that kind of humiliation."

"That is ridiculous!" Edward spluttered.

"Actually he's kind of right," Jacob pondered slowly. "Bella punched me because of you and I had to watch her get married to an ugly leech."

"What are you talking about?" Edward exclaimed. "I get my hair styled every Saturday!"

Spike snorted loudly.

"Jacob, help me!" Edward cried.

"Nah, I don't think I will." Jacob said deliberately, a smile slowly appearing on his face.

"But why? I thought you loved Renesmee! You can't let her father die!" Edward objected desperately.

"Yeah but this way I can have both Renesmee _and _Bella. It'll be like heaven." Jacob smiled dreamily to himself.

Spike leaned down confidentially to Edward. "Right now I bet you he's dreaming of doggy biscuits." He chortled softly to himself.

"You're not funny." Edward spat at Spike.

"At least I haven't got a face full of mud." He purposely grabbed Edward's hand and bent a finger backwards.

Edward screeched in pain.

"Make sure you send me the head." Jacob requested to Spike.

"Sure mate." Spike replied amiably. "You can bury it in your backyard to your heart's delight."

Jacob missed Spike's sarcasm and transformed into a wolf. He went loping off into the woods. A long howl echoed back to them.

"Probably looking for a doggy bone." Spike muttered. He grabbed a fistful of Edward's hair and forced his head upwards.

"No. You're messing up my hair!" Edward complained in a whinging tone. "I just got it styled two days ago!"

Spike ignored this. "Well mate, we've wasted enough time, and while it's been a pleasure let's get down to business."

"Please. I want to live. I can give you fashion tips." Edward offered.

Spike levelled one of his trademark _what kind of an idiot are you?_ looks at Edward. "Are you saying there is something wrong with the way I look?" He asked evenly.

"No! No!" Edward said quickly. "It's very cool. The whole leather duster and all. Though," he added. "You could do something about the hair."

Spike punched him in the face. Edward cried as Spike let out a series of punches and kicks at him.

"Not the face!" Edward whined.

"Shut up." Spike lifted Edward by his shirt and shoved him against the tree. Bruises and contusions disfigured Edward's usually pretty face.

"BELLAAA!" Edward screamed.

Spike rolled his eyes. "Oh bugger. Not that again." He plunged his hand into Edward's chest digging his fingers into Edward's still and dead heart.

"W-why?" Edward choked out, blood dribbling in a fountain from his mouth.

"It's nothing personal mate…okay it is. It's just that you're such a wanker. Everything about you. Don't get me started on the whole shining in the sun thing. What do you think you are? A bleeding pixie? Even The Trio had a better pair of balls between them all than you."

"W-what's The Trio?" Edward spluttered.

"Just a bunch of losers who caused more trouble than they were worth." Spike paused thinking. "Actually I can't remember what their names were. Billy? Sally? Maybe Dwayne? Oh who cares! That's a story for another day and you don't have one. Goodbye mate."

"Wait." Edward croaked. "Don't I get a last request?"

Spike rolled his eyes and let out his breath in exasperation. "Oh go on then."

"BELLAA!"

"OH BLEEDING HELL!" Spike groaned angrily and ripped his heart out in a savage way.

Edward slumped to the ground lifelessly. Spike examined Edward's heart with a mild kind of interest as if he had just picked up an interesting specimen of seashell on the beach and then pocketed it with a shrug.

"EDWAAAARD!" A whiny female voice wailed from a distance.

Spike rolled his eyes again and without turning he took out a stake from inside his duster and threw it. It flew through the trees whistling for miles on end like a missile before it struck its target. There was a small cry and all was silent once more.

"I feel like I'm in a bleeding opera." Spike muttered to himself. He stepped over Edward's dead body and disappeared through the trees.

A few hours later, Carlisle Cullen and the rest of the Cullen Coven (what kind of stupid name was that? Were they a bunch of girls standing around a cauldron?)

Spike watched them as they found Edward's body. The boy with the stupid puffy hair, (Casper?) was carrying Miss Bucktooth's body.

"Who could have done this?" Carlisle's wife bemoaned.

Spike grinned from his perch in the high branches of a tall tree, and dropped something small, sending it plummeting towards the ground where the Cullens stood.

Carlisle picked it up and discovered it to be a heart with a paper pinned on to it with the last remains of a cigarette, smoke still curling from the tip.

'With regards

From Spike the Lame Vampire Slayer'

THE END


End file.
